Lonely days and lonely nights
Something that has been on my mind lately is that I spend so much of my time alone. I have always been something of a loner, who has a strong desire for human interaction and connection with others on a deeper level. It is a strange dichotomy that I have lived with all of my life. It is as if I just “don’t fit in” anywhere! I seem to have a natural bent towards isolation and loneliness. My home has always been a welcoming place, but very few embark on my doorstep. I understand well the lyric "this loneliness won't leave me alone" from Otis Redding's famous song, "Sitting on the dock of the bay." I have always marveled in wonder at families that have a boatload of friends and family popping in and out at all varying times of day and night. Perhaps it is my deep need for meaningful relationships that go beyond the frivolousness of surface conversation that creates this pattern of the ever-revolving door of friendships. My demand for authenticity and depth may be more than the average person can offer. It seems to me that as I age this loneliness and isolation is even more familiar and prevalent. I go to church occasionally, when I feel a strong pull to do so. I find that building friendship in the church is not easy for me, I have never seen my niche among believers in a conventional church. In fact, I often feel judged and looked upon as a person of interest but not one that is worth spending time with outside of the walls of the church. This awareness has served only to create more withdrawal and isolation in my life. I want desperately to find a friend or friends who will never leave me and who will see that I am worth their time. I thought I was getting that type of friend when I married my husband. I learned very quickly that I was not enough for him, he had his work, his reputation with the church and personal interests that kept his mind and heart occupied and still does. The only time he shows any interest in me is when there is a sexual need, or he wants to do something that satisfies himself and his interests, or he wants to correct me for something he perceives I have done incorrectly. I am not sure why he married me really. He said it was because the Lord told him I was the one. I also had that same claim, and I believed it then with all my heart. Now, as I look back, I can see that I was young, naive, and ruled by idealism. I have always favored symbolism and circumstance to discern my life’s purpose and journey. I still do to this day. In retrospect, this behavior pattern and reliance on intuition has often kept me in the place of allowing circumstances to dictate the direction of my life. My intuitiveness is keen, and as I write this, I can see that I must strengthen my consciousness, logic, and reason to propel me forward in creating what I want in love and close friendships.
